Testing Theories.

They say there's linings made of silver
Folded inside each raining cloud
Well we need someone to deliver
Our silver lining now

I’m on my fourth cup of burning hot coffee, willing myself to return to my graduate work.  I can't seem to focus after all that has and is about to occur.  I'm scatterbrained, distracted, jumpy, and hardly able to sleep.

This is not  a result of watching Paranormal Activity II recently, despite that fact that it seriously disturbed/scared the hell out of me.

No, the reality of my life is coming into full circle after so much drama. 

It’s the realization of moving on entirely that keeps me awake. I keep moving.  I keep busy.  I've made new friends, embarked on new journeys inside and out of the country, and I don't spend my evenings sitting home alone waiting for someone to call. 

Can you imagine your significant other checking your phone records, questioning everyone you talk to and text?  I’ve been there.

Then there was a series of horrible, degrading voicemails and emails criticizing my character and berating every aspect of who I am which caused me to seriously reconsider all of this.  All of my decisions, all of my commitments, quite literally everything I’ve considered to be mine, ours, always.

It was an emotional rollercoaster.  I finally responded, demanding that he quit the nasty emails because quite frankly, the abusive language must stop- or I’m walking. For good.

And then he called prepared with a symphony of apologies and love- the complete opposite of the spectrum.  I'm not going to lie. I broke down completely.  and not in a I’m so sorry I shouldn't be doing what I’ve been doing it's all my fault kind of way. 

but in a ohmygod I can't believe you expect me to live like this forever kind of way. 

It’s frightening. 


So I keep drinking coffee, and listening to [my] old, old music this morning.  You know the stuff I used to be made of.  I’m actually surprised it was all still there, hiding in the midst of soundclick.com- ready to be heard.  Surprising to be reminded that I used to sing.

Finally, I was tired of not being heard.  I prefer to have an answer that doesn't judge, or make me feel guilty for who I was, who I am, and who I’m going to become.

"Well, you'll never find anyone who can love you, take care of you, and stay committed to you the way that I am."

 I dared to test that theory.  He was wrong.